NHL Playoffs 2016: Time to Ring the Bell!

It's time.
It's here.
It's...sadly the only thing that gets me to dust off the typewriter once a year.

Hockey. Playoffs. 2k16.

The sun has shined brightly on the new baseball season and the Masters Tournament, but the sports world now zeroes in on chilly arenas throughout the USA (not this year, Canada...) for the NHL playoffs.

Sixteen teams remain standing after the rigorous regular season schedule. And though there are some clear favorites, everyone currently sits tied at the top at 0-0. Climbing the 16-win mountain over the next two months will earn the glory of all glories. Ready to get started with the round one matchups? I thought you'd never ask, darlin.

EASTERN CONFERENCE
#1M Washington Capitals vs (WC) Philadelphia Flyers
Season Series: Four games- Two regulation wins for WAS; Two OT wins for PHI
Moxy Measurable: WAS 9/10; PHI 2/10
Sentimentality Scale: WAS 7/10; PHI 9/10
Stanley Cup Odds: WAS 7:2; PHI 50:1
Applicable WWE Catchphrase: "Brock Lesnar is a conquerer who is not here to put smiles on people's faces...Brock Lesnar is here to shock the WWE universe and put tears in the eyes of children!" - Paul Heyman
The Breakdown: The Flyers have plenty reason to hold their heads way up high. Not a whole lot was expected this season from the squad, and they got to this point with little more than grit and just-enough defense. But as good an accomplishment as it was...they look to be running into a real buzzsaw in this Capitals team. Washington's 120 points this season blew away the competition (nobody was within 10 points of them.) They are in the league's top 2 in both goals scored and goals against, with both special teams units in the NHL's top 5. They have the best scorer in the league in Alex Ovechkin and an ironman goalie that it playoff tested (Braden Holtby). Despite it being "taboo talk" in the hockey world, this has the makings of one team being thrilled to have made it, thrilled to give its home fans two juiced playoff games...yet ultimately overmatched in every conceivable way out on the ice. The notion of playing with house money and nothing to lose certainly means something, but in this case it will likely mean just one home win.
The Pick: Can't be detailed enough in how much the Capitals are superior to the Flyers. But they've been here before and horrifically come up short. For at least this round, they're safe.
Capitals in 5

#2M Pittsburgh Penguins vs. #3M New York Rangers
Season Series: Four games- Three wins (one in OT) for PIT; One win NYR
Moxy Measurable: PIT 10/10; NYR 7/10
Sentimentality Scale: PIT 1/10; NYR 8/10
Stanley Cup Odds: PIT 15:2; NYR 15:1
Applicable WWE Catchphrase: "I didn't sell out...I bought in." - Seth Rollins
The Breakdown: Those who may have watched or followed along with the last two Islanders games of the season were treated with extreme awkwardness and rather obvious "tanking." The Isles had full control over their ability to leapfrog the Rangers in the standings and escape the wild card spot. But, uh, that would have meant a matchup against the hottest team in the league and the Islanders, uh, declined. The Penguins have been borderline terrifying of late, as the official Moxy Measurable scale indicates above. It's all quite confusing, seeing how the surge seemed to coincide with the injury of superstar forward Evgeni Malkin. Since a March 8th 2-1 loss to the Islanders, the Penguins have won 14 games and lost 2 (one of which was the season finale that had zero importance to them.) Crosby & co are primed for a deep playoff run. But now significant questions arise as to the health of their goalie Marc Andre Fleury. The Rangers, meanwhile, added forward Eric Staal at the deadline to join the usual cast of characters- anchored of course by Henrik Lundqvist in goal. The sneaky little secret, though, is the Rangers goals against is rather middle of the pack this season. The Mats Zuccarello led offense helped bail out some of the slippage on the back side (that sounds so wrong but it's not going anywhere.) The Penguins' scorching finish to the season should not overshadow the fact that these teams were just three points apart in the standings, and division rivals who are plenty familiar with each other. All the makings of a great opening series.
The Pick: Neither team is going to fear the other, and the goaltending advantage appears to be lopsided in the Rangers' direction. The Blueshirts' high grade on the patented Sentimentality Scale comes from the "Lundqvist Effect". His window appears to be starting to close, and his teammates know it may be now or never to get their King his Cup. It should be the best series of the opening round, but God help my soul I'm going Rangers in 7.

#1A Florida Panthers vs. (WC) New York Islanders
Season Series: Three games- Two wins FLA (one in OT); One win NYI
Moxy Measurable: FLA 3/10; NYI 7/10
Sentimentality Scale: FLA 10/10; NYI 9/10
Stanley Cup Odds: FLA 20:1; NYI 20:1
Applicable WWE Catchphrase: "Woo Woo Woo, you know it!" - Zack Ryder
The Breakdown: Well at least we're guaranteed one fan base it's gonna party like it's the mid-1990s. The two longest droughts in terms of playoff series wins (FLA 1996; NYI 1993) face off in this one. Florida shocked the hockey world with its Atlantic Division title. But despite not being flashy or spectacular in any one area, the Panthers quietly nestled themselves into the league's top 10 in both goals scored and allowed. The combination of the ageless Jaromir Jagr and prodigal son Roberto Luongo has spiked the Cats to a blistering 10 on the S.S. above. But behind those old folks are a young core that is built to last but also ready to get a taste of playoff success now. The Islanders feel they're more than poised to build on recent playoff shortfalls and finally do some real damage. The problem is the plan got sidetracked when Jaro Halak went out to a freak injury last month. He will miss the first round, leaving Thomas Greiss with the enormous burden of his first playoff series as a starter. Greiss has been more than capable in a reduced role this season, and this series will hinge on his ability to take the reigns and stand tall against the potent Florida attack. John Tavares & co will need to withstand another huge loss in forward Anders Lee, who broke his leg earlier this month. The young talent up front (Ryan Strome, Brock Nelson) has been disappointingly inconsistent this entire season, but can right a lot of wrongs with a strong showing here.
The Pick: Speaking completely biased, I need to think neutral folks are upset these two teams need to play each other so early. On their own, both are rather root-able if only because it's been so impossibly long since they've enjoyed success. But I think the brutal 7-game series loss to the Capitals last year gave the Islanders an experience that the young Panthers still need to feel. Greiss will be the key, but in the first year of the Barclays Center the Isles give the fans reason to go crazy at home when the result is Islanders in 6.

#2A Tampa Bay Lightning vs. #3A Detroit Red Wings
Season Series: Four games- Two wins TB; Two wins DET
Moxy Measurable: TB 5/10; DET 5/10
Sentimentality Scale: TB 4/10; DET 9/10
Stanley Cup Odds: TB 18:1; DET 40:1
Applicable WWE Catchphrase: "You are watching the longest running weekly episodic show in history!" - Michael Cole
The Breakdown: Tampa Bay is fresh off a Stanley Cup Final appearance, and were humming along just fine...until a freak injury to a player they just cannot afford to lose. Steven Stamkos is one of the best goal scorers in the league and the straw that stirs the drink offensively for the Bolts. But with a blood clot likely to sideline him for the entire playoffs, it will be star goalie Ben Bishop and the role players trying to make do. Their first test is not an enormous one, as the Red Wings are not particularly strong in any area. Jimmy Howard has somewhat picked up his play of late in goal, but besides superstar in the making rookie Dylan Larkin having his breakthrough season, it's not much. The proud Red Wings have extended their insane streak of postseason appearances, and they will need to hang their hat on that because it will be a short stay.
The Pick: Hopefully the series is better on the ice than the ho-hum matchup it appears to be on paper. Lightning in 6.

WESTERN CONFERENCE
#1C Dallas Stars vs. (WC) Minnesota Wild
Season Series: Five games- Four wins DAL (3 in OT); One win MIN
Moxy Measurable: DAL 8/10; MIN 3/10
Sentimentality Scale: DAL 4/10; MIN 9/10
Stanley Cup Odds: DAL 8:1; MIN 30:1
Applicable WWE Catchphrase: "This is MY house!" - Paige
The Breakdown: The old Minnesota North Stars take on the now-Minnesota Wild. A great matchup for the storybooks, but it may not be pretty out on the ice. Minnesota's 87 points were far and away the lowest total for any playoff team, and they lost 5 straight to close the season. On an even darker note, star forward Zach Parise is dealing with back issues. The only place Minnesota is trending upwards is on a map of the USA. (was that a good one? I don't think it was bad.)
Dallas, meanwhile, conquered the "division of death," as a very impressive 3 teams from the Central finished with more than 103 points. Jamie Benn and the (perhaps banged up?) Tyler Seguin lead the NHL's #1 scoring attack. While goaltending will be an issue as the Stars face the cream of the crop later on in the tourney, they will overwhelm the Wild.
The Pick: At least Minnesota made it in. If they were in the East they wouldn't have qualified. So, ya know, there's that... Stars in 4.

#2C St. Louis Blues vs. #3C Chicago Blackhawks
Season Series: Five games- Three wins STL (all in OT); Two wins CHI
Moxy Measurable: STL 8/10; CHI 10/10
Sentimentality Scale: STL 9/10; CHI 2/10
Stanley Cup Odds: STL 9:1; CHI 13:2
Applicable WWE Catchphrase: "The Champ is here." - John Cena
The Breakdown: As we said before, the Central division was diabolical. The Stars' true reward for winning the division was not having to face wither of these behemoths in round one. It's very unique to see two round one opponents both in the top 7 as far as Stanley Cup odds, but that's the case here. The Blues are very, very good- particularly on special teams. And Vlad Tarasenko could steal a couple games on his own. But you just get the feeling that at this point, the regular season is just a dress rehearsal for Chicago. They know exactly what to do come playoff time, and have proven it with three titles in the last six years. Patrick Kane has taken his game to Level 11 this season, and all the familiar faces are around him for another deep run.
The Pick: Taking nothing away from St. Louis and their tremendous season, but can't pick against Chicago this early. Blackhawks in 7

#1P Anaheim Ducks vs. (WC) Nashville Predators
Season Series: Three games- Two wins NSH; One win ANA
Moxy Measurable: ANA 7/10; NSH 5/10
Sentimentality Scale: ANA 6/10; NSH 9/10
Stanley Cup Odds: ANA 8:1; NSH 25:1
Applicable WWE Catchphrase: "It's a New Day, yes it is." - The New Day
The Breakdown: It's hard to get a read on these Predators. While formidable, they seem to have taken a noticeable step back from the team that couldn't quite get over the hump the last five years. They are not in the league's top 10 in goals scored, against, or any special teams. The Ducks, meanwhile, have been a defensive supernova with ace special teams this season. They have been stubborn in keeping their core together, with Ryan Getzlaf and Corey Perry once again leading the way. It may not be enough to take on the true beats of the conference, but Nashville does not look to be that much of an obstacle.
The Pick: Quack Quack Quack. Ducks in 6

#2P Los Angeles Kings vs. #3P San Jose Sharks
Season Series: Five games- Three wins SJ; Two wins LA (one in OT)
Moxy Measurable: LA 9/10; SJ 2/10
Sentimentality Scale: LA 3/10; SJ 9/10
Stanley Cup Odds: LA 8:1; SJ 15:1
Applicable WWE Catchphrase: "You stupid idiot! You stupid man!" - Chris Jericho
The Breakdown: The Sharks...what can you say? If Anaheim is "stubborn," then what the heck is San Jose?? We're humbly entering year #72 of the Joe Thornton/Joe Pavelski/Patrick Marleau regime, and once again they're here for what many expect to be the latest chapter of playoff shortcoming. San Jose may have PTSD seeing the Kings in round one. It was two short years ago the Sharks were up 3-0 on Los Angeles before joining the historical list of chokejobs. Stop me if you've heard this before- but the Kings will go as far as goalie Jonathan Quick takes them. Make no mistake, this can definitely be a very long way. But after some pretty vanilla picks in the rest of the matchups, need to make the Chris Jericho quote applicable.
The Pick: San Jose erases oh so many demons. And does so in shockingly impressive style. Sharks in 5.

Could you tell I often can't stay up late and/or get television feeds of Western Conference games? Maybe shuffle those picks out of sight when you call into Vegas.

But who cares- the playoffs are here!! DING-DING-DING!

Enjoy it.